I have always heard of the term 'forgive and forget', but are they the one and the same? Does forgiving someone means you totally forget what they do? Or does forgetting what they do means forgiving them? In that way, it is better to develop selective amnesia, is it not?
From the simplest thing of people misplacing my stuff to betrayal and disappointment, every day is another test of patience and forgiveness. Like so often heard...
To err is human...
When I get angry, it is like eating spicy curry, I feel hot in my belly and I wanna go 'FUUUU...' I wanted to give the other person a piece of my mind. Scold them, give them cold shoulder, or bite them, it seems a lot of petty actions are justifiable just to get back at them. I once heard an old man grumbled to his wife that the person he was angry at, deserved his anger at its full glory. I wish this is a case of the older the wiser. But I found that to be quite untrue. Being angry is like blowing up a balloon in your head, you may think you are right with all the logic in the world, but the 'balloon' makes you lightheaded which impairs thinking process.
When we are angry, our inner condition reflects on our outer condition. We frowned, we pursed our lips, we fold our hands and sometimes that telltale nerve starts twitching. What it only does is make us look ugly, and when we look ugly we feel ugly, and when we feel ugly we look ugly. Depending on how good you are at being angry, you may even grow a pimple or two.
But is it all worth it? When I get angry, my heart beat increased and my breathing becomes rapid, all this requires energy. Hence, why waste energy being angry over someone apparently not worth your effort? You being angry is not detrimental to the other person, unless you land your fist on his body part, but also detrimental to you. You waste your energy, your time and your health thinking and festering about things that may not be worth it.
When you choose to forgive someone, it is not them you are doing a favor to, it is you yourself. It is my experience that when I choose to forgive someone, that huge balloon in my head slowly releases gas and relief wash over my whole self, or that heavyweight in my heart just instantly gets lifted. A smile breaks through the face, and I feel beautiful once again.
But it is not always an easy step to choose to forgive the other person, right? I know there are plenty articles out there on forgiveness but I like to share some of mine. Like said...
To err is human, to forgive divine.
There is one quote from Oprah that goes :
Forgiveness is accepting the fact there is nothing you can do to change the past.
For example, your friend betrayed you and you found out about it. The fact is that it is all in the past. You can choose to learn your lesson from there cause there is nothing you can do to change the past. Forgiveness does not mean she is once again welcome back with open arms into your life as best friend, I believe that once trust is broken it takes a long time to repair not words. But forgiveness means choosing to overlook the incident, perhaps you now know a better way of dealing with her. Alternatively you can choose to dedicate your life to the destruction of your friend's life, like the movie so promote, but who is the loser in the end? Your friend's betrayal may be a small dot in your life, but choosing to focus on it and let it take over your life, you are choosing to make that small dot your black hole.
Take a breath, say a prayer and choose to let it go. I come to realize that one way helps me forgive is by saying it out loud. Words are very powerful tool indeed. They say if you want to learn more effectively, use more senses, e.g. read aloud and looking at the pictures helps the brain absorb information faster. Hence, by saying affirmatively that you forgive a person, your brain will process this information. Although at first you may struggle with it, do this a few times and it slowly sinks it. It is amazing. It may not necessarily means you should tell the other person, but sometimes that helps as well.
One very important thing to remember is to also forgive yourself. Wth am I talking about? An example is a cheating partner or spouse. I came to realize during the heartbroken phase, the person who was hurt would say 'I couldn't believe he did this to me!' or 'How did I not know?' All this is because unconsciously, the person blame themselves for loving and trusting this bastard. They would hate and blame themselves for hurting themselves, hence once broken up, they hop onto the nearest person who could love them the way they couldn't do themselves. Sounds familiar? I thought so. That is why it is important in such an example to not only forgive the bastard for what he did, but also forgiving yourself.
For me, forgiving is not about forgetting that it ever happened, rather it is choosing to let go the pain and suffering that the incident inflicted on me. :)
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